WARNING LABEL

PRODUCT: Quantum Physics

ACTIVE INGREDIENTS: Mathematics, Gedankenexperiments.  (May also contain cats)

DIRECTIONS: Use as needed.

WARNINGS:

1. Quantum Physics is extremely powerful and should be used only under the direct supervision of someone with a Ph.D. in Physics and/or Mathematics.

2. Do not use Quantum Physics if you are allergic to mathematics, paradox, or incongruities in thought or logic.

3. Please discontinue if any of the following symptoms occur: headaches, eyestrain, skepticism, disbelief, denial, bewilderment, confusion, uncertainty, superposition, decoherence, entanglement, collapse, or descent into branching subrealities.  Overuse may also bring about a sudden (and possibly permanent) aversion to math or the sciences.

4. Existential crises are an occasional but serious side-effect of Quantum Physics.  Symptoms include: nausea, vertigo, depression, terror, ennui, hopelessness, feelings of insubstantiality, feelings of impermanence, and a bitter and ironic attitude about the world.  If two or more of these symptoms occur, discontinue use and consult a spiritual leader or mental health professional immediately.

MISUSE AND ABUSE OF QUANTUM PHYSICS:

Quantum Physics was developed solely for use at the subatomic level.  Application beyond this intended use, and particularly outside of this scale of effectiveness, is not recommended and may be dangerous, leading to conditions such as: unwarranted conclusions, unsubstantiated claims, complete nonsense, magical thinking, New-Age philosophies, delusions of grandeur, pseudo-scientific gibberish, and blatant hucksterism.

Common misuses of Quantum Physics include:

• The belief that the world ceases to exist when no one is watching it.

• The belief that Quantum Physics is the mechanism through which inanimate objects, or the Universe as a whole, become conscious.

• The belief that inanimate objects (such as: water molecules, plants, haunted houses, sporting equipment, gambling implements, good luck charms, or cursed items) can detect, record, respond to, be mutated by, and/or project positive or negative thoughts.

• The belief that Quantum Physics is the scientific basis for and/or proof of: the power of positive thinking, the power of prayer, the workings of karma, or the existence of chi.

• The belief that wishing for something hard enough – either material or immaterial – will cause that thing to manifest itself.

• The belief that if you regularly picture yourself as loved, respected, and successful, this will cause you to become loved, respected, and successful – all without the inconvenience of having to take any genuine action on your part.

• The belief that anything unpleasant or inhibiting in your life has come about because of negative thoughts on the part of yourself, others around you, and/or your parents.

• The belief that Quantum Physics will give you of magical powers such as: extra-sensory perception, telepathy, psychometry, healing touch, the ability to summon divine aid, the ability to banish malevolent spirits, the ability to speak to the dead, or the ability to grant wishes.

If you ever encounter someone misusing Quantum Physics in any of these ways, DO NOT APPROACH.  Any attempts to argue the facts with someone in the throes of Quantum Physics abuse will result only in your exposure to dangerous and possibly fatal levels of vague mysticism and nonsensical technobabble.

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Although Quantum Physics is not yet classified as a controlled substance, the serious consequences of misuse, and particularly deliberate abuse, are significant.  If anyone offers to sell you magical, mystical, or pseudo-scientific powers or services based in whole or in part on Quantum Physics, please contact the proper authorities immediately.