Intelligent Design

Dramatis Personae

Albert Einstein, singlehandedly responsible for bankrupting physics textbook publishers worldwide in the first decades of the 20th century

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Edwin Hubble, who did to astronomy textbook publishers what Einstein did to the physics textbook publishers

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God, the Almighty

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What really interests me is whether God had any choice in the creation of the world.

– Albert Einstein 

(The scene is a dark room, lit only by a single hanging fluorescent light.  The room is dominated by a long conference table, sitting perpendicular to the audience.  A dozen men and women line either side of the table, with jackets off, collars loose, sleeves rolled up, etc.  They murmur excitedly with one another.  The table itself is covered with blueprints, both rolled up and unrolled, and dozens of scattered full and empty Styrofoam coffee cups.)

GOD: (Breezing into the room, and the others rise to greet him.  He is wearing a crisp navy blue business suit and a sky-blue tie.  Every hair is perfectly in place.)  Sorry to make you wait, gentlemen, ladies.   Oh, please – sit down, sit down.  We still have a lot of work to do and I have another meeting in ten minutes.

HUBBLE: (As the others sit)  Thank you for your time, Sir.

GOD: (Standing at the head of the table now, leaning forward on his hands and peering down at the blueprint in front of him)  So what seems to be the trouble?

EINSTEIN: Well, Sir, we’ve got a good solid design for the stars and planets now, so I’ve got my people starting to work on the large-scale structure that will hold it all.

GOD: Good, good.

EINSTEIN: (Indicating the man across the table from him)  We arranged this meeting with Edwin and his Engineering Team to run our core ideas by them, and they’re saying that what we want to build is impossible.  We thought maybe with your help, Sir, we could find a solution that makes everyone happy.

GOD: (Checking his watch, and then sitting now)  All right, gentlemen.  I’ll make the time for you on this.  Show me what you’ve got.

EINSTEIN: Here, Sir.  (He unrolls a large blueprint across the table, and he and Hubble stand on either side of God now, pointing to different figures on the page as they speak.)  Our idea was to keep everything as simple as possible.  Simple is better, right?

GOD: (Noncommittally)  Go on.

EINSTEIN: So I was thinking of a Universe that has existed forever and stretches infinitely in all directions, with the matter evenly distributed.  No fuss, no muss.  You see for example that this reference point here…. (He flips over the page and points to the same spot on the blueprint underneath) …also appears here… (Flips through a third page) …and here, throughout the entire infinite timescape.  Nothing moves.

HUBBLE: And I told him that he couldn’t keep everything in place that way.  Gravity would just pull everything together again.  And fairly quickly as well.  There wouldn’t be enough time for the Arth – 

GOD: (Correcting him, gently)  Earth.

HUBBLE: Yes Sir.  Sorry Sir.  Earth.  There wouldn’t be enough time for the . . . Earth to form.

EINSTEIN: We already knew all that, Sir.  But my team came up with a fix.  What if there’s a second force pushing everything apart to counteract gravity pulling everything together?

GOD: (considering)  A second force…

HUBBLE: But the Laws of Physics are already set, right Sir?

GOD: Hmm?  Oh yes – yes.  I gave final approval two days ago.  The Coding Team is programming the subatomic particles as we speak.

HUBBLE: That’s what I told Albert: you can’t just go adding an extra force of nature this late in the planning stages.

GOD: I can do anything I want to, Hubble.  I’m God.

HUBBLE: (Shifting uncomfortably)  Of course, Sir.  I didn’t mean – 

GOD: (Chuckling) I’m just ribbing you Edwin.  What extra force would you be proposing, Albert?

EINSTEIN: I think we can manage it without having to create a fifth force, Sir.  Remember, Sir, my team’s suggestion to make matter and energy two different versions of the same thing?

GOD: To cut costs.  Yes, I remember.  Very clever.

EINSTEIN: Thank you, Sir.  (Pointing to the blueprint again)  So: what if the empty space between stars isn’t exactly empty – that there are particles popping into existence all the time?

HUBBLE: And I told him that particles can’t just come out of nowhere.

EINSTEIN: Aha – but what if, for every particle that pops into empty space, an anti-particle gets created as well.  Perfect balance.  Free matter.

HUBBLE: Didn’t we ditch the idea for anti-matter over a week ago, Sir?

GOD: We did, but it’s back in again.  The Advanced Human Technology team insisted on it.

EINSTEIN: Each time a particle/anti-particle pair pops into existence, it would create a push.  A tiny push – but with trillions of them at once, and so much empty space between any two stars, and we could create sufficient pressure to keep everything in place.

GOD: (Sucking in air between his teeth)  Oooo – I don’t know about that one.  It would never be a perfect balance.  Anywhere the repulsive force is too strong, it would push things apart.

HUBBLE: And if it’s too weak, then we’re right back to the whole structure collapsing again.

GOD: Exactly.  (To Einstein)  And you say your team wants this Universe to be eternal in time as well?  In both directions?

EINSTEIN: Yes sir.

GOD: So you want to create an addition to the basic substructure of the entire project and find some way to keep it perfectly balanced forever in both directions?  That’s a really tall order, Albert.

HUBBLE: I have an idea, sir.

GOD: Go ahead.

HUBBLE: If we can’t have a Universe that’s both eternal in time and infinite in space, then let’s pick one or the other.  For example –  (Writing on the blueprint as he speaks)  What if we start simple, like Albert wants.  Everything mashed together into a single place.  Then we have it all suddenly expand out, creating everything – space, matter, energy, time – all at once. 

EINSTEIN: I don’t see how you’d even manage that – especially if you don’t want to add any new forces.

HUBBLE: Well, that would be an engineering problem.  I can have my team work on that.  But with enough outward force in that initial push, we can keep everything from collapsing in on itself.

GOD: Interesting.

HUBBLE: Thank you, Sir.

EINSTEIN: But then nothing would be standing still.

HUBBLE: I’m afraid not.  The Universe would need to keep expanding.  Indefinitely, if we can manage it.  If not, then eventually the expanding Universe loses its momentum and it collapses in on itself again.  But even in that case, that initial push should be enough to buy us trillions of extra centuries before it happens.

EINSTEIN: But then I have to give up “eternal” and “unchanging” both.

HUBBLE: It couldn’t be eternal backwards, but it could still be eternal moving forwards.  Half an eternity.  (Shrugging)  At the moment, this would be the best we could manage for you.

GOD: (Shaking his head)  I have to agree with Edwin, Albert.  I just don’t see it.  I mean, you started out wanting a simpler Universe and the one you’ve been forced to create is about as complicated as you can get.  We need a better solution.  (He stands up, and everyone at the table stands up with him.)  Back to the drawing board, gentlemen.  But I like the dynamic you two have going here.  I want both teams to continue working together on this?  Is that possible?

HUBBLE: Yes, Sir.

EINSTEIN: Glad to, Sir.

GOD: Good, good.  (Checks his watch again.)  Damn, I’m supposed to be in a meeting with the Human Thought Division.  I’m working with the Existentialism team today, and those guys hate it when I’m late.  (Over his shoulder on the way out)  Good work, people.  Keep it up.

EINSTEIN: Yes, Sir.

HUBBLE: Thank you, Sir

(After God leaves, Einstein and Hubble turn back to the blueprint together, with several members of each team crowding around the plans with them.)

HUBBLE: What if . . . ?  Yes: what if we bump everything up a level?  Instead of one set of stars Universe-wide, we create separate islands of stars scattered across the Universe.  That way, the stars in each island can remain more or less static in relation to one another, with the impact of the expansion taking place mostly in the spaces between.

EINSTEIN: Yes, yes.  That might just work . . . .

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